Black Xmas (Remake)

That's what you get for being the Slayers sister.

ITS CHRISTMAAAAS! So here's our Christmas review. We did the remake, because its lulzier.

I hear it’s somebodies birthday! Jesus’.
Because it’s chicken. 8I
Did he use the candy cane to do that? ...No, he used his phaser
Maybe...she should re-evaluates her life.
I know who Billy is...the goddamn Creeper.
I learned it from watching YOU!
WHY!?
Can we do secret santas!? 8D
Thanks captain obvious!
Billy’s in your tree, watching you fap.
nom nom noms
it was logical.
Try calling the police academy again
Jesus cameo
Gaaay
MY EYE!!!!!!!!!!
Dana!
Use the OTHER side
yeah I’m at the “?”, where are you?
Bing-bang-boom hair’s out, hamburger time
So if I eat them...I become them
and that is NOT your eye
Can we have secret santas now?
Oh look, disco McCoy
very metal tree.

Overall rating: 5 Stars, because Dawn from Buffy dies.

Piñata Survival Island

I can't see a difference, can you?

I bought this movie just because Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer was in it. Much lulz ensued shortly after.

What the hell is going on?
People are dying! Finish your piñata!! HURRY!
Piñata of hearts?? Is that an actual thing??
Xander is in this movie! put the fucking Buffy font on it!
Are water guns necessary?
Underwear scavenger hunt. What.
Whoa, Xander is smart! He learned a lot from hanging out with Giles
It’s not much of a scavenger hunt when theyre just HANGING AROUND EVERYWHERE.
Gravel angel
How the fuck do you GUESS thats a piñata? it looks nothing LIKE a modern day piñata.
Most people would have gave up after not breaking it open with a stick.
What was in that pot? uhhhh... pot.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. THAT’S THE MONSTER?
In soviet Russia, Piñata smashes you!
Xanders a pretty badass dude these days.
Mr. Piñata? She’s very dead. You can stop now.
Why did the Piñata take the time to cut a guy in half and hang him up??
The Piñata is offended by this PDA.
Why does everyone think this statue thing is a Piñata!? its not a brightly coloured llama shaped paper mache thing!!
Say WHAAAAT?
He’s Xander. He’s seen everything. He’d be all “A piñata? Nah, it’s probably just a demon. Hold on, I’ll call Giles.”
Language, Xander.
Explosion?
Her face is on fire!!
Piñatas deadliest weakness: Wiffle bat.
Spike, is that you?
You’re not secretly hoping Buffy will show up and kick some piñata ass?
Redshirts.
These demon tracks are fresh.
This thing is like a goddamn Pokemon! It keeps evolving!
I know where they are again.
Wheeeee
The TARDIS translates things into Leatherface for him.
Freddy demons.

Overall rating: friggin awesome for bad CG and Xander.
Review rating: 5 Stars, only one Star Trek refrence! We did pretty good!

Kingdom of the Spiders

This is what we watched.

So we watched "Kingdom of the Spiders" starring Tarantulas (which are not spiders) and William Shatner.
I'm sure anyone who follows this blog knows by now that we are huge Star Trek fans.
If anyone follows this blog.
So lets get started, shall we!?

It even SOUNDS like Star Trek
Your farms doin’ pretty good, you got one calf.
This cows acting is amazing
Cowboy!Kirk
Classics, Kirk!
Oh, your communicators going off! red alert!
Oh, your ONE calf is dying. Your farm is fucked.
It’s dead, Jim.... wait.
Black leg???
Jim.
That’s not a proper place for a bull.
Tarantula cruilty ahoy.
Shatner only knows how to hit on ladies
Kirk is talking but I cant see him.... Wheres Kirk!?
srs bsns, man.
Oh it’s the Mayor, give him a beer!
McCoy is standing right over there!? David Tennant is standing right over there!?
Dr.Hanson. He can sing mmbop, and drink beer, and go to the Enterprise
Of course the dogs still missing. Why else would the guy stand in the middle of the farm and call for it.
Dont watch them do science! its terrifying!
Fasinating.
He likes to prowl around. Like Kirk.
Kinda pretty for a girl?? Is he gay now?
Kirks got a nice Rack.
Classics Kirk.
Fire tarantulas are metal.
It’s scaries!!
Kirk’s been teaching that little girl how to pick up chicks.
Is it your dick?
Oh look a bridge! That’s romantic.
Oh no! *thumbs up*
He’s dead, Jim.
I’m sorry I have to tell you, your husband is in a cacoon.
He’s dead too, Jim.
Shes shooting at them!? WHAT THE HELL, DON’T SHOOT AT THE ONE ON YOUR HAND.
She’s dead, Jim.
Acting.
Holy shit. This movie just killed thousands and thousands of tarantulas.
Oh let’s see whats in here in the ceiling! OH SHIT TARANTULAS”
Oh shit. Those tarantulas cut the power.
Redshirts are my favourite tarantula!
Oh my god...what did we do last night??
End.

That was the best shore leave ever. One to beam up.
Overall rating: 4. Cause it has Kirk.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

We agree, Picard.

Theres not much to introduce for this movie. Its confusing, shitty, and has Renee Zellweger. And no, shes not the one playing crossdresser Leatherface.
But now that I think about it, that would be a sweet movie.

Picard’s putting on lipstick! Oh wait… it’s a lady.
Prostracte Cancer.
WHEN DID THOSE OTHER PEOPLE GET IN THE CAR!?
My fathers a Doctor. I know about Kancer and ugly chicks.
Hello Mr.Face, can Leatherface come out and play?
Girls have tits. He learned that yesterday.
Who is driving?! OH MY GOD, BEAR IS DRIVING! HOW CAN THIS BE!?
Theres a dead furry dinosaur.
Lol Matthew McConaughey.
ROBOT LEG!!!
oh god, we just realized the dork chick is Renee Zellweger.
It is fact that Leatherface hangs out with Scooby Doo and Sylvester Stallone, and they laugh at Renee Zellweger.
Boobies. Leatherface wants them.
Calm down, Leatherface. You act like you’ve never killed a screaming girl before.
Leatherface just realized that his mullet is very out of fashion, and he is FREAKING out.
Skinny trees are the best hiding places.
Running into the killers house is quite logical.
Oh hey the Sheriff! SHERIFF! THERE’S A GUY OUTSIDE HE’S TRYING TO KILL ME!
Pizza guy… Double facepalm.
We didn’t pay attention for a while. We got off track, but we assure you it was funny.
We figured out how to get Renee to open her eyes. Hold a knife to her throat.
Screaming and retarded shit for forever.
PURPLE ALERT.
Dude looks like a lady.
Its holy shit angry sex time.
Leatherface, you can do better than Renee Zellwegers face.
Dammit crazy business man. Stop licking peoples faces. It is unsanitary.
Pizza off the floor. 5 SECOND RULE!
JIZZED IN MY PANTS.
Directed by Vodka and Beer!!!
Buisness guy is VERY confusing.
Uhhhh….what?

Overall Rating: One Star. What the fuck was that??????

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch

This will come in handy for the "I'M FIRIN' MAH LAZER" joke.

So we decided to watch the one Halloween movie that has nothing to do with Michael Myers and a lot to do with an annoying song that I've had stuck in my head for almost a full day. Lets begin.

RUN AWAY SKWISGAAR!
Surprise Buttse- oh, wait.
In “EIGHT” days it’s Halloween? No wonder Michael isn’t in this movie!
Sexual harassment!
RED ALERT! RED ALERT! SOMEBODY DROPPED THEIR SODA- I mean… killed a guy.
He blowed up real good. It’s a good thing he’s at the hospital.
Crying chicks are SO hot.
This guy hits on everyone. He thinks hes Kirk.
Who watches cartoons in a BAR?
OH SWEET! HALLOWEEN IS ON! Lets watch that instead!!
“Can I go talk to that Doctor?” “Yeah, hes at the bar”
“Did my father say anything the night he died?” “Yeah, he said ‘oh what a lovely tea party”
Closed Frank-N-Furter until further notice.
Stardate 5452.4, Football Game.
Fuck the kids, I got chicks and beer!
Cool story, bro.
Irish Halloween masks? That is the STUPIDEST thing I have EVER heard.
Mayor Quimby??
SUDDENLY BIKE!
You saw his car but not him? Helpful. Did you ask his car what's going on?
Its impossible for two people to sleep in the same bed without it being sexual in some way
OH SHIT THAT CATS OUT AFTER CURFEW! It is SO grounded.
Don’t go in there!!
OH I TOLD YO DUMB ASS NOT TO GO IN THERE!
Uh…is it raping time?
THIS ISN’T A HOBO! IT’S A BLOOD FOUNTAIN!
Sellin’ Halloween masks to the Star Fleet cadets in San Francisco
I’M FIRIN’ MAH LAZERS!!!!!!!!!
Was that old man butt needed?
HALLOWEEN MASKS IS PEOPLE!!!!!!
Willy Wonka and the Mask Factory
Mr.Anderson…
*Sulu voice* Helloooo.
Boring shit happens until you see a robot.
Homo erotic fight and WHY IS HIS BLOOD YELLOW?! Welcome to the Matrix, Neo.
German 1: what kinda robot should we make? German 2: LETS MAKE AN OLD LADY THAT KNITS!
That kids death was pretty fuckin’ metal.
Fairy Witch and Pumpkin Clown.
Horrorthon!? Fuck yeah!!
Boooooring.
FUCK YEAH HALLOWEEN IS ON AGAIN!!
Kirk to Engineering.
Oh. You brokes it.
Oh I escaped! Lets go back in.
Well played, Clerks.
Dick Warlock.


Overall rating: 4 Stars.
ONE MORE DAY 'TILL HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN!

Carnosaur 3

What a terrible plane crash.

So some army dudes are driving, and one decides to pee while riding in the backseat. Apparently this is
much lulz.
Jeff Goldblum and some ninjas show up, and shit blows up.
Then some people fucked around
In the head! Dun dun dun dun.
The A Team?
This dude needs to cut his hippy hair before he can get a ride. Motherfucker.
Oh shit. They stole dinosaurs.
That dinosaur wanted head.
Dinosaurs see everything inverted.
MICHEAL MCDONALD!!!!
Cops always gag people who are insane.
An airplane that was invisible crashed and left 2 arms on the floor and didn’t hit the building.
USS Enterprise controls. They’re in this building.
DINOSAUR!!!!
It must by Pon Farr.
That lady busted out a tricorder.
Polcheck? Chekov?
WHAAAAAAAAH!
She’s dead, Jim.
Then they explain a buncha boring shit about why there’s dinosaurs, even though nobody cares and they just wanna see some fucking dinosaurs.
So the boring talking continues as the lady is telling them shit they probably should know, so they start to pass notes.
“I like you. Do you like me? Yes. No.”
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHH =|.|="
I appreciate your cantaloupes, but this is not the time.
Then the dudes walk around and talk, and one sounds like Earnest, and then they find the dinosaurs again.
The dinosaurs run away!!!
Then they team up with some other dudes and the lady is all “I NEED A DINOSAUR. FOR SCIENCE. DON’T SHOOT IT. But catch it. And don’t let it kill you.”
Uh oh. The sexy music.
Are these jokes supposed to be funny?
YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THIS, VERN?
Left handed?! INSTANT BONER!
Earnest is a dick.
Did the Scooby Gang set up this trap? Let’s see who this dinosaur REALLY is! Its Old Man Withers who runs the old amusement park!!!
The Gorn shows up.
Earnest goes to Jurassic Park
Buncha boring shit happens until they got the dinosaur in the medical room. Then they talk a lot and the Dinosaur is all “SURPRISE” and comes back from the dead. So it’s a zombie dinosaur. Metal.
Doctor Lady has a boner for carnosaurs.
I WANT TO MARRY THEM. PROPERLY.  WITHOUT MAGIC.
That guy is extremely offended by Popeye.
The dinosaurs went to engineering. They were hungry and needed redshirts.
I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY.
Welp, that guy died. What’re you gonna do?
Get creative? You mean like fingerpaint?
That dinosaur is gonna be pissed of when she’s all “la la la, gonna go see my babies and they’re right over- OH MY GOD THEY’RE ALL DEAD!!!!
Some more shooting happens.
Lookin’ for a T-Rex. HOW IS THAT DIFFICULT?
“Where the hell is that T-Rex- OH GOD ITS RIGHT THERE RUN AWAY”
Suddenly romantic.

Overall review: 3 Stars.
Thanks for coming out.

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday

Bustin' makes me feel good!

So welcome! Me and my friend have made this blog to review terrible movies. Because we love them.

So this lady takes a shower and Jason shows up and is all "RAAGGH" which is 'Jason' for "Surprise!" because he was hoping it was Michael Myers. But it wasn't. So he got pissed off and chased her and then got all blowed up.
Then some guy looks like he wants to make out with Jason's head. Instead, he stares at Jason's heart for like, an hour, then he eats it!
And now that dude is Jason.
Then Ghostbuster's show up.
And then some guy calls Jason an asshole and he gets super pissed.
There's a pedophile on American Casefile.
and then Boba Fett is all "I could kill that guy"
But then it was actually Chris Rock's Dad who was the Bounty Hunter.
He's also a pedophile.
There's some weird people in a diner with Chris Rock's Dad.
Ted Raimi sings a song while he's driving, picks up some chicks and a dude and makes an ass of himself.
Some lady who JUST met him kisses him. He's all "kthx but nothx"
And then these kids decide today is a good day to die, so they skinny dip and have sex.
Then Jason with a moustache shows up, and he's pissed off because he has a moustache, so he kills this lady who has to pee every 5 minutes.
Slater has sex with some lady but then Jason kills them. It was pretty metal. There's no Bell to save him now.
Jason takes off all this guys clothes and straps him to a raping machine sos he can shave his moustache. This is most logical.
And then Jason makes out with the guy now that he doesn't have a moustache.
lol baby.
Jason does not like phones.
SHES GOT A GUN!!!
Jason is a Romulan and is making out down by the fire with some lady. Ted Raimi gets his ass handed to him.
Then Jason's ladymate dies.
and everyone is all "Ted Raimi you killed that bitch" and Ted is all "No way, there was a dude, and he had no moustache, and then he jumped out the window!"
lol baby.
Jason can change his blood colour. It is fact.
It's that special time for Ted Raimi.
Ted Raimi hangs out with Chris Rocks dad in jail!
Chris Rocks dad is feeling up Ted Raimis hands, but then dicks up the place and breaks his finger
Ted Raimi is stalking a baby and some guy walks in and he's all "what are you doin'? Stealin' babies? Here's my car." and he gives Ted the keys.
Then he finds the Necronomicon.
The Jason makes out with another dude.
They run away from that dude.
Then he tries to make out with a lady, but then Chris Rock's dad is all "I have your baby, cause you put it inside a banana box."
Jason tries to make out with the baby but then he turns into this crawly monster and crawls into a dead ladies vagina.
Ted Raimi gets beaten with a rake Sideshow Bob style.
Jason does not have testicles. Ted Raimi has made this a proven fact.
Ghostbusters.
And then God was all "fuck that guy"
Rockbiters take Jason to Hell with the help of Gods spotlight.
and then Ted Raimi and the lady make out and walk off into the sunset with no baby.
Freddy Krueger.
To be continued in Freddy vs Jason.

Overall rating: 5 stars. Must see.

Looooooooooooooove Youuuuuuuuuuuu